Grand Canyon Launch, 8 Weeks Out
Reflections on shifting the frame of self
Just typing this title had me think, “Oh shit... Launch is only 8 weeks away.” The inevitable journey back into the Grand Canyon has been steeping in the back of my mind for the last 10 months. Despite my sporadic summer of on the job adventures and various extra-curriculars, I have volunteered to keep coming back to this impending expedition. Planning this craziness has required an array of methodical research, aesthetically pleasing spreadsheets, anxiety driven YouTube sessions of Lava Falls carnage videos, and frustrations of late participant communication. The logistics behind this operation are starting to seem more monumental than the expedition itself.
Even though the stresses of planning an expedition are constant, I would facilitate this a thousand times over. An adventure of this magnitude has the potential to permanently change our lives in ways that we do not yet understand. The experiences, images, videos, laughs, tears, anxieties, failures, and successes that will rock our soul will be permanently sealed away within us for the rest of our lives. We have this beautiful opportunity to connect with the environment, our friends, and ourselves on a level that is, frankly, out of the ordinary. But, framing a mindset for presence and dropping self-doubt is what will actually allow for these experiences to become so powerfully beautiful and rich. Otherwise we will be left confused and lost. This I understand with such clarity now.
Having launch day only 8 weeks out, I have been experiencing moments of vivid reflection from last year’s trip. Funny enough, I believe my last journey through the Grand Canyon makes more sense than ever now. It has made me realize that positive framing and a self-loving mindset are everything. Surface-level framing quickly eradicates any possibility for you to have an incredibly awakening experience.
In December of last year, exactly 11 months ago, I had the impression that this trip would change my life. I had the idea that I would walk away from the Canyon a self-actualized spiritual Guru who had the world figured out. The canyon would be my teacher, and I would be the lazy student where spiritual enlightenment and self-actualization would be the glorious participation trophy. 30 days later, I drove away from Pearce Ferry feeling surprisingly unfulfilled and confused. I figured this feeling was temporary and it would take time to digest, maybe in a few weeks’ time it would all come together. I then expected that archiving my experiences and lessons learned with beautiful poetic detail would be easy after the digest period was over.
But I tried.
I thought it may just be writer’s block.
I tried again. For months.
Nothing.
I could not get it figured it out.
What did I take away from a month in the Grand Canyon?
And where the hell is my participation trophy?
I could not find any “ah ha!” moments. I peeled through my trip journal to find the answers, but there was nothing. The spark to ignite the flame of revelation never came. What I discovered in my journal was a lack of wise words from a man immersed in one of the most breathtaking, remote, sought-after, and mysterious places on planet Earth. How did Muir, Hemmingway, and Abby do it?
Here’s the reason why I couldn’t figure it out.
Every day for 30 days, I needed to prove something. I needed to have my fellow river buddies verbalize a positive impression regarding my outdoor competency, skill, and behavior. I craved that outside validation. It was what I subconsciously believed made for a successful growing experience. Proving myself to others granted me an exceptionally temporary dopamine hit and self-esteem boost which was totally addictive. I craved it. I needed it. It is what I believed what true joy, love, and happiness felt like. I needed to be this super-macho, fearless, useful, strong, funny, charming dude that everyone respected because this positive feedback filled the void where my own self-love was non-existent. Every day, I pushed myself in the rapids with the anticipated outcome of praise from my peers. When I did not receive it, I crashed psychologically.
There was this striking moment when I had a less than ideal line through Upset Rapid (ironically named). I hit the first huge wave a bit too far right, spun backwards, hit the canyon wall, and lost my right oar. It was relatively sloppy, but by no means a terrible run. We didn’t flip, no one got hurt, and no gear was broken. In reality, everything was realistically in order despite being was a such a wild ride, something I should have appreciated and laughed about. Looking back, it was amazing that I successfully steered the boat going backwards with only one oar. It is actually funny now that I replay that scene in my mind. Once I hit the eddy, I was absolutely devastated. It was the biggest rapid I ever attempted. I needed to hit a flawless line or else I was a useless, shit boatman. I needed to prove to others that I could handle big water. For the rest of the day, my “failure” in Upset Rapid weighed heavily on me. I could not find the strength to laugh at myself, enjoy the experience, and move on to the next section of whitewater. To me, this mistake was everything and it clouded any positivity I could have experienced.
Through a year of meditation and reflection, I have discovered that this frame of mind is destructive and blinds us from having these deeply beautiful moments that can stem from an experience of this magnitude. This superficial frame steals away the present and sucks away genuine joy. It is a crime we commit unto ourselves when validation becomes the main objective.
I have an amazing opportunity here. I have chance to go for round two. I can’t completely replicate December’s experience and opportunities, but I can choose to embark on this similar journey with a healthier frame. A wiser self now understands the importance of dropping the need for outside validation, anticipation of positive outcome, and praise. I will embrace the practice of presence, humility, and self-love. If I have a sloppy run, I’ll get em’ next time because there is always another rapid down river. If I flip my boat, I will laugh hysterically with my friends at the fucking crazy swim I just had while we set our flip lines. If I make a logistical error as a trip leader, it will be a fantastic learning experience that will make me wiser down the line.
If I find myself driving away from Pearce Ferry once again with feelings of unfulfillment and confusion, then so be it. I will eventually come to a crossroads where I can dissect this endeavor and solve another piece to the puzzle of self-actualization, even if it takes 11 months or more.
It is coming down to the wire now. My friends are paying trip deposits, we are accumulating new fancy pants river gear, menus are being set in stone, the itinerary is locked in, our permits secured; all is finally aligning. The excitement is growing and spilling onto those around me. I honestly cannot wait for January 3rd, 2019 where we will embark on this extraordinary journey once again. I feel like my intentions are positively directed and I am prepped to practice living each day in the Canyon blissfully in the moment and share it with those crazy enough to join me in this adventure.
